I’ve long maintained that driving is a metaphor for life. For example, have you ever driven on a two-lane road behind someone who can’t find the gas pedal? Well, life’s like that sometimes. Make the mistake of getting behind someone who’s not going anywhere fast, and guess what? You aren’t either.
Or, have you ever watched someone fly past you on the highway just as you were thinking about changing lanes, too? Yep, just like life. While you were busy waffling over your decision, someone else took action (and took your spot on the road).
There are some driving habits, however, that are just repugnant. They bring about the rage in so many of us, and with good reason. They’re as annoying as they are unsafe. Here, in no particular order, are my least favorite drivers and what to do about them.
Disclaimer: This post is all in good fun. We all make mistakes on the road and have bad days from time to time, so don’t get all salty. Also, I’m not responsible for you getting into an auto accident.
- The “Me First!” Merger – This guy knows full well his lane is about to end, but he wants to be at the front of the line SO BAD that he floors it, swerving at the last second in front of all the responsible, conscientious drivers (like you) in the the other lane who saw the sign and moved over two miles ago.
- The Fix – Pretend you don’t see him. Turn your music up and sing along, dancing in your seat to the rhythm. Use your peripheral vision to watch him panic when he realizes he must choose between a) slowing down or b) running into a tree or a pile of orange barrels. Chuckle smugly as he weighs his options.
- The Creeper – This one hangs out in the left lane, lingering in your blind spot going the exact same speed as you, but absolutely refuses to get behind you or pass you. He’s just… there. Creeping.
- The Fix – Turn your blinker on even though you have no intention of switching lanes. Switch to the other blinker every so often, just to keep him guessing. Turn your hazard lights on just for the heck of it.
- The Tailgater – This person clings to your bumper like his life depends on it. If you didn’t know better, you’d swear it was Wile E Coyote, with an Acme brand horseshoe magnet glued to his front bumper, pulling him thisclose to your rear. If you stop short, it’s a guaranteed trip to the body shop.
- The Fix – Decelerate very, very slowly. Your change in speed should be imperceptible to everyone but you (well, you and the character behind you). Peer into your rear view mirror and observe as he swears and waves his hands around, clearly irritated at your chosen speed.
- The Texter – I’m not sure what message is so important that these folks need to jeopardize the safety of everyone on the road to read it, but here we are.
- The Fix – Honk loudly and make exaggerated hand gestures like an Italian godmother. Wag your finger and give them the side eye. It might not work, but it’ll be really fun.
- The Lane-Switcher – I’m not sure I’ve ever been in enough of a hurry to justify switching lanes 10 times in a mile, but these people sure are. I’m an optimist, but even I know these drivers can’t all be on their way to perform an organ transplant.
- The Fix – Stay. Away. You can’t engage with crazy, and these people are bananas.
Because these folks can be so infuriating, sometimes their behavior deserves special descriptions. For that, I turn to my trusty Creative Cursing book for the words that help me best express myself in these exasperating driving situations. You can get your own copy of Creative Cursing for less than $10 here (affiliate link). It makes a great gift for those people in your life who appreciate a clever put-down and have a healthy sense of humor.
What did I miss? What gives you road rage?